Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.   Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.   My wife, however, is like most women.   She loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill. 

Yesterday my wife received the following letter, from our local Wal-Mart:    

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past four months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.   We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.   Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:   

June 15…He went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.  

July 2… He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

July 10… Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares.   Get on it right away.”   This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time which cost the company money.  We don’t have a Code 3. 

July 20… He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. 

August 2… Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.  

August 8… Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

August 12… When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”   EMTs were called.   

August 21… Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

September 3… While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.   

September 10… Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the theme to Mission Impossible.   

September 14… In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels. 

September 23… Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”   

October 1… When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “’OH NO!   IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least: 

October 9… Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, “Hey… there is no toilet paper in here.”   One of the clerks passed out.

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